Folkestone Licensing Hearing Approves All 29 Pubs at Once

Committee sits 19 hours, hears every appeal, renews every licence and adjourns to the bar it was held above

FOLKESTONE, Kent - The Folkestone and Hythe Licensing Committee sat for a record 19 consecutive hours on Thursday to hear appeals from 29 licensed premises accused of "excessive conviviality," before approving all of them, thanking them individually, and adjourning to the nearest one. The hearing, held in a function room above a pub because the town hall was double-booked with a wake and a christening for the same family, marks the second phase of the council audit that recently declared the town over-refreshed. Committee chair Councillor Margaret Prewitt-Vole opened proceedings by reminding attendees that the sword of justice cuts both ways, then asked if anyone had a bottle opener.

Tontine Street answered its charges first. Blackmarket stood accused of serving fantastic food with nice vibes in a really chilled manner, and pleaded guilty on all counts. Jam Jar defended its multiple rooms and late-night pool table by arguing that a town needs somewhere for arguments about pool to happen indoors, which the committee accepted as settled law. Burrito Buoy arrived with a perfect record, faultless staff and a 4.9 rating, and was cautioned for showing off. Jolsons Party Bar, holding a defiant 3.0, told the committee "the music is alright and the drinks are a good price," a defence so honest that two members wept and a third asked for it in writing.

The town centre estate followed. Morena on Guildhall Street was charged with making Mexican food so reasonably priced that a nearby cashpoint filed for redundancy, while its neighbour The Lord Morris submitted a two-word defence, "great services," and was released without further questioning. Django's Cafe Bar argued its drinks were excellent and good value, which the committee verified in person, twice, for accuracy. The Old Cigar and Olive Music Bar was accused of hosting live music with a fantastic atmosphere until 11:30 at night, and responded by hosting the rest of the hearing. Shanghai Inn was found well worth a try if visiting Folkestone, and since everyone present was technically visiting Folkestone, the finding was binding.

The waterfront delegation caused the day's only procedural crisis when The Board Room on the Harbour Arm requested the hearing be moved there for the fabulous views, and the committee, to its lasting shame, agreed. Proceedings resumed 90 minutes later with Floc., which stands accused of putting one of the UK's top craft breweries on the town's doorstep without first checking whether the doorstep could handle it. The committee ruled the doorstep would adapt.

The western suburbs were processed in bulk. The Coterie on Cheriton Place was declared "certainly value for money and the best place to go in Folkestone" by its own regulars, a claim now under investigation by the four other pubs that hold the same certificate. Coral Bar and Lounge on The Leas was commended for lovely staff and a very nice setting, and Skuba Bar and Bistro was granted its midnight licence on the grounds that somewhere in Folkestone has to be open when the poetry runs out. Gee's Bar in Sandgate, with six reviews and a busy Saturday, was ruled "a pub in the eyes of God if not yet the algorithm."

Then came the estates, the villages and the hills, where the committee's van struggled and its resolve collapsed entirely. The Golden Arrow in Enbrook Valley was confirmed as the best local around by a panel of locals who refused to be around anywhere else. The Park Inn was cited for great beer, great food, great staff, great atmosphere and music nights too, a sentence the stenographer transcribed as one long cheer. The Red Cow on Foord Road submitted a beer emoji as evidence, which was admitted. The Royal Cheriton was praised for affordable pub grub with two exclamation marks, and The Nailbox at Shorncliffe was described as a lovely little pub near something, the witness having lost his notes and, briefly, the van.

The Master Brewer at Perries Mead defended its amazing food and friendly staff without legal representation, reasoning correctly that nobody sober enough to prosecute would want to. The Dugout Sports Bar was charged with possessing both a pool area and a darts area, a combination the Home Office classifies as an arsenal, and was let off after the committee lost four straight frames. Finn's in Cheriton produced drink options described as incredible at reasonable prices, prompting an emergency review of what the word incredible is legally allowed to mean in Kent.

The rural circuit closed the docket. The White Horse in Densole was highly recommended by a lovely witness who then recommended it again under oath. The Coach and Horses at Lyminge presented friendly staff and excellent prices, and was asked by the committee, off the record, whether it did Sunday lunch and whether Sunday could be moved. The Earl of Clarendon in Sandgate, which sits at the end of a stiff climb, argued that any customer who reaches it has earned whatever happens next; the committee ratified this as the Clarendon Doctrine. The Britannia at Horn Street was licensed for live music every weekend on condition that it never, under any circumstances, stops. Finally The Brickfield Cookhouse, bearing the town's most heroic rating of 3.8 across 1,638 opinions, was praised by Prewitt-Vole as "the only premises honest enough to be argued about," and awarded a plaque it has already promised to hang slightly crooked.

The committee's written judgment, released Friday from a booth at Keppels at The Grand where members were verifying an incredible lunch, concludes that Folkestone's licensed trade poses "no threat to public order and a severe threat to productivity." All 29 licences were renewed until further notice, further notice being defined as "when the tide comes in over the bar." Full hearing transcripts run to 4,000 pages and are available at the town hall, which remains closed, because see above. The London Prat will continue monitoring the situation with the diligence readers expect of Private Eye on deadline day at the Coach and Horses.

SOURCE: https://prat.uk

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